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Albany Student Satire (ASS): UAlbany Tunnels, Bureaucracy, and Microdose Radiation

By Henry Fisher | November 21, 2022

An earthly heaven.

Photo Credit: Henry Fisher

This article is meant to be read as satire and should not be taken seriously. The names and quotes in this article are not factual.

Ever wanted to experience the feeling of getting lost in a horror movie hallway? Boy, do I have the place for you.

The UAlbany Tunnels are truly a miracle to all students on the Uptown Campus. They truly encapsulate the spirit of the University. That is to say they connect the most well-connected part of campus where the next warm building is a few feet over while missing the obvious utility of connecting the quads to the Academic Podium.

I know there are obvious issues with that – State Quad’s tunnel would lead you right over or through a particle accelerator. Personally, I think a massive dose of radiation is the extra spice those freshmen need to start their day.

UAlbany’s indoor submarine simulator.

Photo Credit: Henry Fisher

Oh. Did you not know there was a particle accelerator? Now you do. Sleep tight State Quad.

Okay, but seriously the particle accelerator is kinda sick. Highly recommend a trip there while it's not on. If you went while it was on…

…ever heard of apoptosis?

On an unrelated note, how much damage do you think one person could do if they cracked a couple of those big ol’ pipes? Food for thought. Not a recommendation.

With winter on its way, many students have found their way to these tunnels, be they New Yorkers inexperienced in the ways of the Upstate, or Upstaters too afraid to admit they are cold.

“I love making awkward eye contact with the workers down there,” UAlbany senior Chance Wrapper said. “Especially while I’m having to step out of the pedestrian path to get around the random piles of cardboard, vehicles, or people.”

Julia Jackson, a UAlbany senior, when asked about the tunnels, replied, “We have tunnels?”

In an existential sense, I suppose we all do. What is life if not a tunnel through possibility? Good question, Julia.

A UAlbany senior, Phil Abuster, said, “It's really helpful for when you see the tunnels door and think ‘Yeah, why not?’”

“The maps down there are really important,” Mikhail Gorbachev, a UAlbany senior, said. “It helps me get that feeling of disappointment when I miss my exit on the Northway.”

The prevalence of the tunnels in the winter months has made waves in UAlbany’s Student Association, who might make a petition to make a law that would put up crosswalks in the UAlbany tunnels.

Senator of the UAlbany Fountain, Moth Homes, currently a senior at the University at Albany, said that “winter months show an unfortunate increase in student injuries due to a lack of pedestrian yield signs and designated crosswalks.”

Last year, Skylar Whitmore was hit by one of the carts, increasing the injuries caused by carts in the UAlbany Tunnels by 100% for the 2021-2022 Academic Year.

Whitmore, now a UAlbany senior, recalled that “it kind of hurt. Like bumping against the edge of a table.”

Should the bill pass, the Student Association hopes that construction will begin in late 2025.

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