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Albany Student Satire (ASS): UAlbany Construction Project to Begin in Your Dorm Room

By Mick Reilly | September 19, 2022

Empty UAlbany Dorm Room

Photo Credit: UAlbany Residential Life

This article is meant as satire and should not be taken seriously. The names and quotes in this article are not factual.

Signs have recently been placed in your dorm hall, announcing to passersby that a new construction project will soon start inside your bedroom, extending out to the nearest bathroom.

“The project is part of a $45 billion dollar grant from the N.Y. Bureau of College Student Misery,” said UAlbany Spokesperson Dutch Quaid. “The grant is aimed at waking students up earlier in the morning, getting in their way when they’re already late, and making the school uglier in the process.”

Your bedroom has long been the target for renovations, with discussions of the changes starting as early as 2015. When asked why the repairs had to happen now and couldn’t just wait for the summer when you had vacated the room, Quaid declined to comment.

The effort was met with some enthusiasm from your roommate, who theorized that “maybe we’d be getting some air conditioning in here, or like actual closet doors instead of these weird curtains.” Quaid replied, “Not even close, kid. We’re making it so that the windows can’t open. Also, we’re installing more asbestos into the ceiling.”

Foreman of the project Dane Catskill shares that “The plan is to get the jackhammers thumping by 6 a.m. each weekday, and 5 a.m. on the weekends. I’d invest in some earplugs, and a candle too, because I’ve got my heaviest smokers on this.” He later added that his workers intend to stop working about halfway through the day, for reasons unclear.

Work will reportedly begin the night before your first exam of the semester. Catskill shared with the ASP that future projects include “forgetting” to squirrel-proof the trashcans and cutting down more trees for the hell of it.

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