By Abby Lorch | February 14, 2023
This article is meant to be read as satire and should not be taken seriously. The names and quotes in this article are not factual.
Planning the perfect Valentine’s Day can be a daunting task, and sometimes it takes an outsider’s input to really help the vision come together. These are five romantic activities that are sure to make your holiday special–as objectively verified by me, a completely fulfilled single person.
1. Stay home. If you and your significant other enjoy community service, the best way to give back this holiday is to stay inside–preferably with the blinds closed. Maybe your friend just got dumped and doesn’t need to see you publicly flaunting your love all over town. Maybe your neighbor’s husband mysteriously disappeared on February 14, 2013. This isn’t your day, it’s his. Show some respect.
2. Discuss politics. It’s going to be a long 24 hours cooped up in your home with the blinds shut. Spice things up by talking about the important issues! Share your most controversial policy positions, scroll through Twitter together, re-watch old presidential debates, etc. There’s nothing more romantic than civil discourse.
3. Play pranks. The last thing you want is for your special day to be dull. Give your partner the gift of a good laugh! If you’re into the classics, you could put a fake spider in their coffee cup. But if you really want to show off your sense of humor, think bigger! Replace all of their treasured photos with pictures of RuPaul. Fill their shampoo bottle with Nair. Fake your own death. The possibilities are endless!
4. Call your exes. No matter how your relationship is going, it’s never a bad idea to seek closure on your previous ones. It’s important for your significant other to know that you’re mature enough to have conversations with your exes. You can discuss the weather or the economy together. If you want out of your current relationship, this can also be a good way to communicate that. Try saying something like, “Jenna, please take me back! I’m sorry I said your guinea pig looks like a plague rat. My life is empty without you!”
5. Work hard. If you two insist upon going outside this Valentine’s Day, remember that it falls on a Tuesday and you’re both adults. Go to work (or school) early and leave late. It may seem depressing, but spending your holiday this way can only help your career prospects. And that’s what really matters in this world, right? Right?