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Albany Student Satire (ASS): Our Lives Are Not Our Own

By Mattie Fitzpatrick | April 22, 2024

Photo Credit: Kathryn Taleporos / The ASP

Have you ever felt like your life is not your own? That you don’t have any power? That you just want to run away and take a wrecking ball to your life just to feel like you have some control? 

This is a reality for University at Albany students they face every day as they combat and lose the right for this campus. 

Their enemies? SQUIRRELS. 

These absolute monsters have taken over campus with their chubby little bodies and arrogance. I think we all prefer the skunk. 

Their favorite pastime is jumping out of trash to jumpscare students. They have started breaking into rooms, and more importantly, they are breaking into our minds. Coming into college I knew I would face many challenges. Rooming with people I’ve never met, working at a new standard of work, and being concerned about how expensive it is. I never thought my biggest challenge and nemesis would be the very thing my mom used to feed. 

You might think I’m exaggerating?

You’d be wrong. I have seen my adversary cling to the window screen of my bedroom and stare me in the eye. These squirrels have no soul and my personal adversary, whom I will call Bernard, is rooting for the heat death of the universe. Bernard hangs from my window screen when there is a tree three feet away! Three. Feet. He’s laughing at me and he and his little friends are ruling this campus. We might pay the tuition but squirrels are ruling this campus. 

These squirrels with pipe cleaners for tails and a nut gut protruding have no fear. They smell fear. They eat fear for breakfast. The Rock himself wouldn’t be able to bring down one of these little demons and when I die, I’m sure I'll see them in hell. 

Bernard, you suck and it’s time I evict you. Have fun trying to cling to the spikes I'm going to poke through my screen.


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