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Albany Student Satire (ASS): How to Win Thanksgiving

By Henry Fisher | November 28, 2022


Photo Credit: Shutterstock


This article is meant to be read as satire and should not be taken seriously. The names and quotes in this article are not factual.


Millions of people each year cry out with one voice and one question: How do I win Thanksgiving?


Winning can take multiple forms of course. There is the joy of crafting the perfect Thanksgiving meal, the love that surrounds the holiday, and the psychological satisfaction from proving you are the most successful person there.


While the first two can be discussed with Betty Crocker and a therapist, the psychological satisfaction is what most seek on this day of birds and brawls.


Everyone seems to do it. Your cousin Terry always seems to get those straight A’s at his “Ivy League,” but there are always faults in every story. What is Terry’s major again? Undeclared? Ha. How quaint.


See what I mean?


The first step, as always, is intimidation. No one can prove you are lying if they are too scared to say it outloud. The second step is posture. Those with the straightest of backs are known to be terrifying. Of course, after that, your next step is going to be direct eye contact. Direct eye contact with Aunt Delilah is key. She is the only one who knows you didn’t get accepted into every school. See that it remains that way.


You may have noticed that so much of winning Thanksgiving relies on lying. This is the first step, of course. As books like “1984” or “The Giving Tree” have taught us, information control is key. Sure you’ve learned a new language this year, how productive of you! Choose a language no one has heard of (better yet, make one up) and just speak in very convincing gibberish. What they don’t know will never hurt them.


Observation should be your first step. With keen eyes and keener ears, keep watchful of any missteps by your fellows. Any inconsistency could be your key to deconstructing their whole story, proving you to be the ultimate victor of Thanksgiving. The first step of winning Thanksgiving is to assume everyone else is trying to win Thanksgiving – because they are.


Resilience is key to victory. Your first step should be strong. While it is necessary for your argument to be unbreakable, you must also be able to hold your steel against the intimidation tactics used by your friends and family. Resilience will be your first step to victory when you must defend your honor in the ritual fighting pit. Those fights often come down to who can take the most punches, and you must be sure that it is you.


While this one step plan is foolproof, the Albany Student Press asked that I reach out to several people for their opinions. Something about “community outreach.”


“What?” said James Johnson, a very real sophomore attending the University at Albany. “That’s insane! Do you do this? That’s screwed up, my guy.”


Huh.


Good point.

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